Status


I pulled down the last 200 or so of my Facebook status messages and wrote a script to format them as a poem. The script uses some simple heuristics for formatting, and I made a few manual tweaks, too.

Harold is clean.
       is moon-walking.
       is thanking Balrok.
Harold does not like Mondays.
       is temporarily awake.
       likes big books, and he cannot lie.
Harold is at warp factor 7.
       has a painted bathroom.
       has kids who are addicted to America's Funniest Home Videos.
Harold is washing walls.
       is tired of telling people what he's doing.
       drove 400 miles today.
Harold really hates computers.
       is having a beer with the President.
       is always surprised that he enjoys running.
Harold hates when meetings are canceled at the last minute.  OTOH, an hour of his life back.
       is cleaning his windows.
Remind me again why I'm doing this?
Harold has joined the conference.
       has a backed-up sewer line.  Yay, poop in the front yard.
       wants to go down to Yasgur's farm,
                                          wants to play in a rock and roll band,
                                          wants to camp out on the land,
                                          wants to set his soul free.
Harold is on the pavement, thinking about the government.
       has a sore back and a fridge full of leftovers.
       is tired of duplicate notifications from Facebook.
Harold is trapped.
       wishes he had a qualm.
       wishes he had a quaff.
Harold has a quiche!
       is considering breaking up with his book.
       has an immobile rat on his back deck.  Dead or sleeping?
Harold is cleaning up a dead rat.
       is making strawberry tart.
       has the plague.
Harold spent the afternoon golfing, in miniature.
       is listening to Revolution 9.
       is making plans for Nigel.
Harold is taking a pledge break.  If you enjoy these updates, why don't you consider becoming a member?
       is already sick of that kitchen faucet cat.
       just noticed his receding hairline.
Harold thinks Oracle doesn't know the meaning of "UTF8".
       thinks Facebook misplaced a couple days worth of comments.
JCVD.  Wow.
Harold is chewing the heads off bats.
       slept till 9, then read in bed till 10.
       is windy.
First Pluto, now Saturn.
Harold was stung by a bee on his run this morning -- right on top of his head!
       rassin' frassin'
Harold's fly has been down all morning.
Harold loves progress bars.
       wants a new drug.
       discovered a spider in his bed last night when it bit him on the nipple.
                                                     Not much sleep after that.
It's time for someone to Photoshop that Six Degrees couple.
It was 20 years ago today, Mother Nature stopped the Series' play.
Harold is Biyai Engio.
       is so done with Python.
       loves it when the Comcast cable goes out during a Comcast commercial.
Easy Halloween costume:  Drunkest Guy Ever going for more beer.
Harold is watching The Giant Gila Monster.
       wishes every day had 25 hours.
       is runnin ur hood, smellin ur dinnerz.
Harold is hangin' in the Ivory Tower.
       is joggin' on the Chipboard Treadmill.
Words that make me have to pee:  Zurn, Sloan, Swisher.
Harold hab a stuppy nobe.
       wants your favorite quotation.
       is enjoying Howard's End.
Harold isn't up for crafting difficult emails.
       has trouble with multiplacation.
       is drinkin' and codin'.
Harold saw Top Hat at the Stanford.
       shouldn't listen to the Weirds.
       needs mother's little helper.
5 loads laundered, 10 potatoes mashed.
Leftovers:  50% remaining.
Nilla Wafers go better with beer than with red wine.
Harold is makin' coffee.
       spent the morning with 500 cheerleaders.  Now his head hurts.
       needs liquid enthusiasm.
Harold feh
I like my women like I like my coffee:
Ah, Cronenberg, will you ever dissapoint?
The past is not what it used to be.
Harold loves it when Dear Abby says "To My Jewish Readers".
       is seeking the Lizard Lady.
       is making flippy floppy.
Harold has been remembering Dark Star.
You do not need to leave your room. Remain sitting at your table and listen.
               Do not even listen, simply wait, be quiet still and solitary.
                   The world will freely offer itself to you to be unmasked,
                                                           it has no choice,
                                       it will roll in ecstasy at your feet.
                                                               -Franz Kafka
Harold is a concierge.
       is not on Facebook.
       saved me...in every way that a person can be saved.
Harold is the Lone Biker of the Apocalypse.
       is waiting for the electrician.
       purple
The world is full of ingredients.
Harold almost spit his beer all over his laptop.
Align your damn headlight and use your damn turn signal.
Everybody!
     Get
     in
     line!
They call it Stormy Tuesday...
...and turn on your damn headlights when it's raining!
Amazon just suggested the PayPhrase "Harold's Excessive Shame".  Must be based on my buying history...
...and push in your chair when you leave the table!
Just saw Avatar 3D.  Pretty, but it's no Starship Troopers.
Harold wants a rock to wind a piece of string around.
       loves any movie with Roddy McDowall.
       loves the party in his tummy.
Harold is comin' to your town, he'll help you party down.
Why do English muffins require two runs through the toaster?  Can't they invent some that only require one?
Harold loves any movie with Malcolm McDowell.
: one who makes inappropriate snowglobes.
Due to budgetary constraints, please limit yourself to bi-tip sandwiches until further notice.
Harold has achieved tubbage.
       is holding out for the Super Duper Bowl.
To whomever found my voodoo doll: please stop pushing pins into it.
Harold befriended a goat.
       is ready for his beer now, Mr. De Mille.
People!  Please: less cologne.
Harold is maturing.
Please tell me there's a character in Street Figher named Bash-o.
Harold is thankful for John Steinbeck and Ken Kesey.
       had a runny, productive day.
       saw 4 movies in 8 hours.  Thank you, Cinequest!
Harold gets a lot of respect when he walks around town in a suit.
Manos must be served!
Colors for Susan
Harold is frazzled.
2 biceps + 2 triceps = 1 decacep
Harold feels like creativity has been commoditized.
Why do "duh" and "no duh" mean the same thing?
Harold is living for giving the devil his due.
Corn!
Harold is a gas, gas, gas.
       doesn't believe in Peter Pan, Frankenstein, or Superman.
       froze the tip of his tongue with liquid nitrogen.
Harold thinks we need to shout out to Dewey Decimal classifications like we shout out to area codes.
                                                                            Props to the 551, y'all!
Number of times I've made mac'n'cheese:  1267.
Yesterday:  bought 48 eggs & danced all night.  Today:  sore legs & cooking all day.
Harold is having trouble typing with cold fingers.
       needs a pig.
       wants to buy a farm and raise peccadilloes.
Remember people, the TiVo is there to serve *you*, not the other way around.
I know you are, but what am I?
Harold was rear-ended by a 16 year old in mom's BMW.
       shouldn't let other people get his Kix for him.
Kix out the jams.
Harold wishes FB had an "edit" button so he could correct his spelling mistakes.
Coffee:  it's not a toy, it's a tool.
Harold shaved his head too early this year.
       has been reminded that it's tick season.
       is Superdad.
Harold was not required to cut the crusts off a sandwich this morning.
       is jittery after a whole day without internet.
Lambert! Will you show these twenty good people the, er, dog kennels, please?
7am teleconference, power out at home, rush rush to the office!
Nasalcrom: my hero!
On Bike To Work Day, do telecommuters ride stationary bikes?
Harold thinks this song is about him.
       learned that chicks dig a guy in a kilt.
Fmms b w t z Uu!
Hello winter my old friend.
Why does coffee always wear off?
Harold is in an uncomfortable position.
       lost his wallet.  8(
       feels like a real American again!
Harold loves eating breakfast outside.
       is never gonna give you up.
       is mighty mighty.
Harold says goodbye to third-party candidates in California.
       is blooming.
Wow, it's hot!
My million-dollar idea:  vampires on the Titanic!
Rain?  Seriously?
Once again, strong coffee saves the day!
Man, there are some crazy people on Freecycle...
Harold is ________.
GAOL!
The long-hair hippies and the afro blacks, they all get together across the tracks -- and they PARTY!
Activity time!  Please describe your mental image of a "widget".
Harold wants a phone with a "moot" button.
       has had enough for today.
       is raising heck.
Harold is a rarebit fiend.
       loves a good utility knife.
       is hunting wabbits.
Informal poll:  what octane gas do you buy?
Why is TV "channels" but radio "stations"?
Harold tries hard to be inspired, not threatened.
       dreamt he was napping.
My traffic update on NPR was brought to me by Ultimate Fighting Championship this morning.  WTF?
Harold doesn't understand himself.
       drove a dump truck.
Fried eggs, toast, coffee.
Harold has got "got a devil's haircut in my mind" in his mind.
If you get confused, just listen to the ringtone play.
My son made a joke about Procrustes.  I didn't know about Procrustes until high school!
Harold is feint of heart.
       has holes in his shirt.
       is finally satisfied.
Sometimes, I want to copy someone else's status word for word just to see if they would notice...
Harold is buggin' out.
       is knockin' you out with those American thighs.
.....
Even mountain lions love the Cheese Board.
Harold was called the King of the Peanut Gallery.
       has enough leftovers for a week.
       is tired of the same leftovers every day.
Harold wishes Facebook had a no-sports filter for the news feed.
It's Tuesday:  pay up, Wimpy!
Harold is Chris Fuller.
O Crappy Day!
Harold really hates Capitalism.
ROCKTOBER!!
Kids these days!
Harold has a buzzword buzz.
Kiva wants me to find them more lenders.  I love Kiva,
              but I don't give out my friends' email addresses.  So instead
              you get a posting on my wall:  go sign up to be a Kiva lender!
       It's fun & makes me feel good.
Harold don't need no stinkin' handyman!
       updated Adobe Reader and now must reboot.  I <3  you, Windows!
POIT!  First Chilean miner out.
Weekdays are so much better when you have a beer with lunch.
Harold really likes...
       is trapped inside this computer!
       hungers for your porpoise mouth.
Harold gathers there was some sort of baseball game last night.
And now for something completely different
Does Michael Jackson get royalties every time one of his songs gets stuck in my head?
Harold wants to fire all of his guns at once.
       has always wondered:   why does Brad know Janet's dad, but has merely met her mom?
If I were a hacker, my handle would be \
Harold wants to have Jonathan Lethem's children.
       is crabby.
       votes to outlaw cooking fish in the work microwave.
Harold is the keymaster.
       is crabbier.
A dark day for CEOs in California...

Wed Nov  3 20:13:48 2010

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Chez Zeus:Writing:Status

Last modified: Sat Nov 6 12:55:18 2010
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This work is licensed under a Creative Commons License.